Frustration Mantra – Works Miracles !

Если вам скучно, нехорошо или просто муторно, пару раз спойте мантру «Йййёёооооб» Если петь будете от души и с чувством – сразу повеселет и полегчает!

11.11.11

Getting married? Nothing? Having a coffee? Typing away on your keyboard? Praying? Making love? What will you be doing on 11.11.11?  

I suppose you don’t have to actively think about doing anything – I’d just look and the combination of 11.11.11 and feel what response it awakens in me. But in case asking yourself a question like that is too wacky in your books,  there are a couple of things that a combination of figure 11 might actually bring about (or so I read) – illumination, compassion, healing, clearing. All and nothing.

In case you’re wondering why this day should be any different from yesterday, again I’d start from another end – do you want this day to be different from yesterday? If you ask yourself, not your mind, but maybe your heart, how do you feel today and listen to the answer… then you will have your own 11.11.11.

With lots of love 

Why should I be wearing a bra?

If you sleep with your bra on, read no more…(if you do read on, no offense please).

My body is wondering… if I’m not jumping about and in need of support, why should I be wearing a bra?

- To hide my breasts from people…or, men, in particular –I don’t want anyone perving at me if I get jiggly or a bit cold

- To feel sexy – in my conditioned mind a piece of lacy fabric that actually restricts me equals sexiness and seduction

- To enhance and create a particular shape – flaunt your assets type of thing

- Because that’s what you do with breasts – tuck them into a bra

So, basically I’m reading shielding, fear, stuck habits, attempts to “improve,” bogus mating & attraction stereotypes. Lovely.

Action plan – no bra whenever I feel like no bra, summer is a good time to start. Jiggle on! 

Twilight Gift

The light of the sun doing down was my inspiration. Beautiful, luminous, many shades of blue, the twilight was gorgeous. I followed my sudden urge not to switch on the electricity. At all. To keep the magic going.

Taking a shower in that fading light was slow and mysterious. Present there and then, enjoying the feeling of water running down my strangely blue-gray body. The tranquil and silent darkness of my room seemed to appease the galloping thoughts, and leaving me in the quiet blue light. I relished drifting into sleep and woke up refreshed, and relaxed, in a fantastic mood (it’s Friday, yeeey!).

It seems like the absence of the artificial harsh light was a good transition to a deeper darkness of sleep. I feel like sometimes the light makes me rush and dart around, while my body and mind are naturally quieting down at the end of the day. So, I might repeat this as a nice winding-down ritual. Would be good for the bills, too.

Sunny Blues

If it were winter I’d call it the winter blues, but at this point there are no fancy names for my state of boredom. A ten-day long lovely holiday, then some work, another long weekend away with useful meditations and practices, some more work. Plunging into the tube, appointments, classes, while I only feel like sleeping and reading the True Blood book. Finishing my first watercolour painting gave me some joy, but today I’m back to disinterested numbness. Nothing matters.

This is all because my life has been getting ahead of me, I think, and my heart is harbouring a dissatisfaction. Any relationship is work, work to keep it fresh, motivating, interesting, nourishing…and, it turns out that my relationship with myself needs some repair work done.  I don’t know where I will take me; away from this sticky gray boredom, which is helpfully signalling me that if I don’t take action things might tumble down to sadness, maybe gloom.

Did some divination yesterday with Esther & Jerry Hicks’ cards. It told me I should focus on the most positive thought that occurs to me now, instead of mulling over how gray and bored I felt. With some effort to set thing in motion I have switched to delighting in the idea that it’s lunchtime soon, and I will again dip into the world of dangerously magnetic vampires, fairies, werewolves and shape shifters. Feeling better already.

I will be happy if … what if I am happy?

A being of here and now, a child is unconditionally happy. Fed, healthy, clean, and clutching a toy – what are the reason to be sad? Any moment is a wonder, play and delight. Little bumps and bruises cause tears, but just for a short while. Forgetting the last fall, and not projecting that it might happen again in the future – this is the true mastery, the mastery of a  child, simply climbing a favourite tree again. Maybe it helps that a child doesn’t need to know what it takes to be happy, it simply is…as we grow older we accumulate a lot of boxes to be ticked en route to happiness.

I feel my true happiness often reveals itself through my body: when I dance or simply roll on the floor in a spontaneous movement, when I run or cycle. When my mind isn’t evaluating whether I’ve got it all, before mercifully allowing some contentment -  then it seeps through and becomes very clear – in here and now, I do not need anything to be happy, because I’ve got it all. It’s only when my mind claws its way into the future, all the conditions precedent are still looming. But in here and now, honestly, who cares about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? I’m clutching my favourite toy, I’m loved and looked after, and so, I’m happy!

Hare Hare!

"Oh, ok, we've got to bow now!"

"Bow to what? Where?"

I feel awkward, as if I'm wearing a tracksuit from SportsDirect on a red carpet in Cannes. Defensive, wanting to become invisible. Not understanding what's going on and feeling out of place makes me a bit narrow-minded, a refuge for a couple of minutes. 

It's the daily 7pm prayer. I am the absolute minority in London Krishna Temple, as I have not a slightest idea about the ways of this worship. Seriously, it's a bit daunting to not know where to bow and whether it's ok to be looking at people, so in my ignorance I'm just standing next to the door and trying not to stick out too much.

I Pushed a Girl (And I Liked It)

Setting: Tube. Late Wednesday evening.

Characters: Main Character (MC), main character’s feet (F) & ego (E). Flirting girl (FG) and flirting boy (FB).

Main character victoriously landed in a seat and is now dozing.

Walk in: Flirting Girl and Flirting Boy.

FG: bla bla bla…  hahahaha… chirp, chirp (swaying helplessly as the train speeds up, swaying some more and stepping on the Feet)

Feet: mmmm… (dozingly shuffle aside)

FG: chirp chirp hehehe  (whacks the Feet again)

Feet: rrrr… (grumpily shuffle aside)

FG: cheeeerp, cheeeerp hahaha…(booomphs and steps on the Feet as the train brakes)

Ego: what the hell is wrong with the stupid girl? Can’t she hold on to the rail? And why has she stepped on our feet twice and didn’t say ‘sorry’ even once! But, she did say sorry to the other girl she whacked… what an brainless idiot…!..!! (screeching)

Main Character stands up to get off the train. The Flirting Girl is blocking the exit with her hand outstretched. The train stops. MC purposely shoves the girl aside to make a point. Feet run. Ego rejoices. I observe and marvel at stuff that’s going on inside me, and that I am able to witness it, without becoming it.

Yes, I felt bad afterwards, but this is not the point. The point is honesty and acceptance.

Feel good

The most gratifying and rewarding lunch break of this month: completely oblivious to work obligations, personal to-do list, affirmations and so on, I was learning drawing and painting. I also learned that making mistakes is fine and … fun, to quote my teacher. See, I am afraid of making mistakes, even if I tell myself I learn from them; I am afraid of how it makes me feel. Luckily, today I really felt it was ok to draw an incorrect line; it is fine, no biggie! By correcting a mistake on the canvas I felt empowered, as if my ego stretched a bit and became more resilient to being “not good.” Making a mistake might make me feel incompetent or silly, but it is just for a moment, which will pass. So, yey to mistakes!

Spending this time on drawing and painting, doing what I really love felt exhilarating!  A surge of feel-good vibes is rushing through me, as if I have found a marvellous treasure chest. So, just want to say, people do more of what you love doing – even if it’s expensive, time consuming, silly, not fashionable, not shared by your loved one / your friends, against the little prickly odds that we all come up with to cover up fears and indecision. Just give yourself that gift – do it sooner than later!

Just Let Me Be!

They say it takes forty days to change a habit. To be honest, I’d want a taster of the new habit before committing myself to forty days of drilling it into my psyche. 

So, today is a test drive of “just being.” One of my habits is making myself be or feel something: being happy, feeling grateful, being joyful, feeling sexy, being creative, feeling energetic, being positive, being on time…a merry-go-round of demands on myself. I haven’t got a chance to just be, unless I’m dancing or doing a workshop. 

Seriously, there is nothing to be afraid of, I’m telling myself. If it’s sadness, it’s ok; if it’s fear, it’s ok; if it’s judgement, it’s also ok, as long as I’m there to witness all. So, today being and feeling anything is ok. Today it’s an honest Monday.

Not surprisingly, this is what Osho “The Book of Secrets” told me when I opened it on random this morning:

“Try this: Whatsoever your state of mind, accept it and wait for when the state changes

itself. You are not changing it; you can feel the beauty that comes when states change by

themselves. You can know that it is just like the sun rising in the morning and then

setting in the evening. Then again it will rise and again it will set, and it will go on. You

need not do anything about it. If you can feel your states of mind changing by

themselves, you can remain indifferent, you can remain away, miles away, as if the mind

is going somewhere else. The sun is rising, setting; the depression is coming, the

happiness is coming, going: but you are not in it. It goes and comes by itself; the states

come and move.”

A fairytale

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess in a kingdom known for its kind and hospitable people, generous trees and fields, abundant forests. The princess grew up surrounded by love and care, truth and generosity, so she became a fine young woman, interested in the world inside and around her.

By night she stripped her princess identity and assumed that one of a young maid, went to village festivals, pubs, and people’s houses. Nothing surprising there, royals in many a fairytale have done it before. One night, on a whim she decided to visit an affluent mansion that had its doors open for a birthday celebration. The party was in full swing as she was welcomed in, and shown to the food and drink; people were happy chatting to the cheerful young woman. Having feasted and danced a little, she decided to move on, and approached the birthday boy to wish him well in the new 111^th year of his life. The birthday boy gave her a gift (it’s a custom in these lands to give other people a gift on your birthday) – a hat. “Put it on and you will see everything,” he said as they parted, which didn't make much sense to the princess, but she was thankful nevertheless.

That night back in the palace the curious princess put on the hat. It was not particularly pretty to start with, but as it sat on the princess’s head, the hat told her its name and transformed into the most beautiful and exquisite bouquet of lace, flowers and gems. The hat’s name was Unconditional Love, and it stayed with its bearer, shading truth and light inside and out.

So, the princess perceived herself and the life around to be filled with unconditional love, whereby people just are who they are, instead of phantoms of the observer’s ideas and wishes; a world where someone can give endlessly and there is no urgency to even think about receiving back; a world where you could manifest the smallest miracles and even they would matter.

She saw all that and ... lived happily ever after. Her prince charming turned up at her door once morning on a carbon-free vehicle. There were no dragons to slay, because the dragons were wise and friendly. There was no Lord Farquaad, because all men had a healthy self-esteem and were able to love. There were no wars, no famines and no betrayals. Of course, they still went on in other fairytales, but this tale is one of unconditional love.  

Change is good!

Using a creative approach to handle problems on the tube today,  I took another line to then walk to the office (this is as creative as it can get when it comes to the tube).

Such a small change in itinerary transported me into another kind of Monday morning reality. Firstly, I sat in an unusual spot, facing two other passengers. One of them glanced at me from the corner of one sleepy eye and went back to the precious commuter’s doze. The second passenger’s face made me ponder the obvious benefits of men’s moisturiser. There were loads of Eastern Europeans on the train, instead of the usual suit clad, ruthless- and sometimes, hopeless - looking real estate agents that accompany me to the business park. People actually looking at each other and making brief eye contact. A guy in a jogging suit spoke Russian and didn’t use a single swear word. The sun was shining into my face, as I took a different seat. And, because of that I’ve written this first thing on Monday morning to wish you a wonderful wonderful day!

The Way the World Will Be

Just back from a Tantra weekend and can’t help but share my amazement with the people I encountered. If feels like they are the ambassadors for all – those who have yet to discover self-development, and those who are on this winding path already.

Witnessing the amazing human abilities of connecting and bonding, communicating about the most important, shedding layers of social conditioning like onion skin, and revealing the most precious heart made me feel that people are good, fullstop. Or rather, whatever people are – they are, if that makes sense.

Our capacity to be brave in the exploration of the self and open to whatever arises as a result; the inherent ability to be loving, supportive and joyful is surely what will "save the world." I know I might be riding high on the energy and stuff, but all this goodness won’t be kept locked inside people for much longer – the love, the passion, the joyfulness, the gratitude, all the amazing qualities are resurfacing and taking the lead already. And so be it!

Tantra! at the Library

"Did you enjoy it?" the librarian winked at me.
I suspiciously scanned his face for traces of leering; there were none, so I lit up like a match.
"Have a look at it!" I beamed. The librarian started to leaf through a book on Tantra I just returned. "It's about everything: massage, creating a space for you and your loved one with candles and incense, it's about dancing, and feeding each other exotic fruit!" I stopped, wondering if my enthusiasm went too far.
"Yes, so, it's about titillating our senses...about fully enjoying sensuality, about being present. We lack sensuality in our daily lives so much," said the librarian, leaving me speechless for a moment.
"So, you know it all," as I've collected myself from this surprise.

Later he kindly brought me a book on Taoism. How about that for holistic service in a local library?!

It's truly the age of information, the time of being open and learning fast, if things like that happen.

                                          Photo: Atoma, http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Datei:Rose_Petals.jpg

Arty Day

Today I had my first (oil) painting and a photograph out in the public eye, on a small student art exhibition. For the very first time. 

Scary to see the painting that took so much pain and effort, standing there on a easel, looking very vulnerable to critique. Not able to face both the painting and the possible critique, I pretended we haven’t been bound by 15 hours of hard work. Had to turn away, as I was so afraid to hear a negative remark about it. That’s the ego speaking partly. But also, I feel that doing something so new, taking first clumsy steps and living up to your own expectations is not always easy. So, keeping dreams in a safe and nurtured place is the way to go!

                                                       Portrait of my mom

The photograph, on the contrary, was easy to share with people as I was confident I’ve done my best there and liked the way it looks. It’s amazing, how a tiny bit of confidence and a pinch of contentment makes a nice cocktail of easy and light self-approval.

                                          A view of sunset from Glastonbury Tor

Anyway, I came home and followed the urge to paint one...two...three free hand paintings, just to feel the flow and the paint rolling under my brush. Awesome feeling. All painters must have been high with it. Will try to go to sleep now :-) 

A Glimpse of Meditation

Being in complete silence for three days seemed daunting to start with...as did sitting cross-legged in a 40-minute long meditation session. Twenty-two such sessions later, which is about 15 hours' worth of sitting, cursing the pain in my back, feeling my knees might crack any second, and constantly trying to watch my breath...I am ready to do it all again.

This half-marathon of meditation is called OSHO Vipassana. Vipassana itself was created by Gotama Buddha about 2500 years ago. And the Indian mystic Osho devised a variation of Vipassana, combined with his active (dancing, jumping, cathartic) meditations that suit the Western man. Also, discourses from Osho are played throughout the retreat, which are tangible and immediate pieces of guidance.

It was excruciating to be watching the mind during these three days. On the first day, alongside with the acute physical discomfort, a flood of junk bombarded my head. Neck, shoulders, wrists, knees, back, fear, ramblings, judgments, ego trips, oh if only-s , oh I wish-s, should-have-would-haves...begging for the bell to ring and the sitting be over. The day of trying to watch every in- and outbreath seemed never ending; it was only the beginning.

The second day was different, kind of. Like the first, but with a frosting of drowsiness (7 am start every morning). According to a few loud snores rolling in the room, the sleepiness was shared by the group. And, there was ravenous hunger...you would have thought sitting and doing nothing is a low energy exercise. When not fighting against sleep, I noticed my thoughts became more gentle in how they flooded the head, they came one at a time, and were on plans, ideas, fantasies, insights; becoming more positive, yet still incessant. I persisted and stayed for an optional sitting, allowing an extra 40 minutes of watchfulness to happen.

The last day was when I got a glimpse of what meditation can be like. Osho spoke about being a watcher, a witness to happiness, a witness to sadness, a witness to hunger, a witness to tiredness. The body ached less and less, I have devised a cunning system to keep the drowsiness at bay, and oh joy...a couple of breaths in a row...no thoughts...just me...no thoughts. Now I was begging for more time with myself, for the bell not to ring and give me another chance.

I'm glad it's over, and I want to do it again. The silence, the discipline, the watchfulness, Osho's guidance, the space that is there when not occupied by thoughts, the ego kicks - would not change a minute of it! Not ready for the 10-day Buddhist traditional Vipassana though, who knows, one day...

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