Twilight Gift

The light of the sun doing down was my inspiration. Beautiful, luminous, many shades of blue, the twilight was gorgeous. I followed my sudden urge not to switch on the electricity. At all. To keep the magic going.

Taking a shower in that fading light was slow and mysterious. Present there and then, enjoying the feeling of water running down my strangely blue-gray body. The tranquil and silent darkness of my room seemed to appease the galloping thoughts, and leaving me in the quiet blue light. I relished drifting into sleep and woke up refreshed, and relaxed, in a fantastic mood (it’s Friday, yeeey!).

It seems like the absence of the artificial harsh light was a good transition to a deeper darkness of sleep. I feel like sometimes the light makes me rush and dart around, while my body and mind are naturally quieting down at the end of the day. So, I might repeat this as a nice winding-down ritual. Would be good for the bills, too.

Sunny Blues

If it were winter I’d call it the winter blues, but at this point there are no fancy names for my state of boredom. A ten-day long lovely holiday, then some work, another long weekend away with useful meditations and practices, some more work. Plunging into the tube, appointments, classes, while I only feel like sleeping and reading the True Blood book. Finishing my first watercolour painting gave me some joy, but today I’m back to disinterested numbness. Nothing matters.

This is all because my life has been getting ahead of me, I think, and my heart is harbouring a dissatisfaction. Any relationship is work, work to keep it fresh, motivating, interesting, nourishing…and, it turns out that my relationship with myself needs some repair work done.  I don’t know where I will take me; away from this sticky gray boredom, which is helpfully signalling me that if I don’t take action things might tumble down to sadness, maybe gloom.

Did some divination yesterday with Esther & Jerry Hicks’ cards. It told me I should focus on the most positive thought that occurs to me now, instead of mulling over how gray and bored I felt. With some effort to set thing in motion I have switched to delighting in the idea that it’s lunchtime soon, and I will again dip into the world of dangerously magnetic vampires, fairies, werewolves and shape shifters. Feeling better already.

I will be happy if … what if I am happy?

A being of here and now, a child is unconditionally happy. Fed, healthy, clean, and clutching a toy – what are the reason to be sad? Any moment is a wonder, play and delight. Little bumps and bruises cause tears, but just for a short while. Forgetting the last fall, and not projecting that it might happen again in the future – this is the true mastery, the mastery of a  child, simply climbing a favourite tree again. Maybe it helps that a child doesn’t need to know what it takes to be happy, it simply is…as we grow older we accumulate a lot of boxes to be ticked en route to happiness.

I feel my true happiness often reveals itself through my body: when I dance or simply roll on the floor in a spontaneous movement, when I run or cycle. When my mind isn’t evaluating whether I’ve got it all, before mercifully allowing some contentment -  then it seeps through and becomes very clear – in here and now, I do not need anything to be happy, because I’ve got it all. It’s only when my mind claws its way into the future, all the conditions precedent are still looming. But in here and now, honestly, who cares about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? I’m clutching my favourite toy, I’m loved and looked after, and so, I’m happy!

Hare Hare!

"Oh, ok, we've got to bow now!"

"Bow to what? Where?"

I feel awkward, as if I'm wearing a tracksuit from SportsDirect on a red carpet in Cannes. Defensive, wanting to become invisible. Not understanding what's going on and feeling out of place makes me a bit narrow-minded, a refuge for a couple of minutes. 

It's the daily 7pm prayer. I am the absolute minority in London Krishna Temple, as I have not a slightest idea about the ways of this worship. Seriously, it's a bit daunting to not know where to bow and whether it's ok to be looking at people, so in my ignorance I'm just standing next to the door and trying not to stick out too much.

I Pushed a Girl (And I Liked It)

Setting: Tube. Late Wednesday evening.

Characters: Main Character (MC), main character’s feet (F) & ego (E). Flirting girl (FG) and flirting boy (FB).

Main character victoriously landed in a seat and is now dozing.

Walk in: Flirting Girl and Flirting Boy.

FG: bla bla bla…  hahahaha… chirp, chirp (swaying helplessly as the train speeds up, swaying some more and stepping on the Feet)

Feet: mmmm… (dozingly shuffle aside)

FG: chirp chirp hehehe  (whacks the Feet again)

Feet: rrrr… (grumpily shuffle aside)

FG: cheeeerp, cheeeerp hahaha…(booomphs and steps on the Feet as the train brakes)

Ego: what the hell is wrong with the stupid girl? Can’t she hold on to the rail? And why has she stepped on our feet twice and didn’t say ‘sorry’ even once! But, she did say sorry to the other girl she whacked… what an brainless idiot…!..!! (screeching)

Main Character stands up to get off the train. The Flirting Girl is blocking the exit with her hand outstretched. The train stops. MC purposely shoves the girl aside to make a point. Feet run. Ego rejoices. I observe and marvel at stuff that’s going on inside me, and that I am able to witness it, without becoming it.

Yes, I felt bad afterwards, but this is not the point. The point is honesty and acceptance.

Feel good

The most gratifying and rewarding lunch break of this month: completely oblivious to work obligations, personal to-do list, affirmations and so on, I was learning drawing and painting. I also learned that making mistakes is fine and … fun, to quote my teacher. See, I am afraid of making mistakes, even if I tell myself I learn from them; I am afraid of how it makes me feel. Luckily, today I really felt it was ok to draw an incorrect line; it is fine, no biggie! By correcting a mistake on the canvas I felt empowered, as if my ego stretched a bit and became more resilient to being “not good.” Making a mistake might make me feel incompetent or silly, but it is just for a moment, which will pass. So, yey to mistakes!

Spending this time on drawing and painting, doing what I really love felt exhilarating!  A surge of feel-good vibes is rushing through me, as if I have found a marvellous treasure chest. So, just want to say, people do more of what you love doing – even if it’s expensive, time consuming, silly, not fashionable, not shared by your loved one / your friends, against the little prickly odds that we all come up with to cover up fears and indecision. Just give yourself that gift – do it sooner than later!

Just Let Me Be!

They say it takes forty days to change a habit. To be honest, I’d want a taster of the new habit before committing myself to forty days of drilling it into my psyche. 

So, today is a test drive of “just being.” One of my habits is making myself be or feel something: being happy, feeling grateful, being joyful, feeling sexy, being creative, feeling energetic, being positive, being on time…a merry-go-round of demands on myself. I haven’t got a chance to just be, unless I’m dancing or doing a workshop. 

Seriously, there is nothing to be afraid of, I’m telling myself. If it’s sadness, it’s ok; if it’s fear, it’s ok; if it’s judgement, it’s also ok, as long as I’m there to witness all. So, today being and feeling anything is ok. Today it’s an honest Monday.

Not surprisingly, this is what Osho “The Book of Secrets” told me when I opened it on random this morning:

“Try this: Whatsoever your state of mind, accept it and wait for when the state changes

itself. You are not changing it; you can feel the beauty that comes when states change by

themselves. You can know that it is just like the sun rising in the morning and then

setting in the evening. Then again it will rise and again it will set, and it will go on. You

need not do anything about it. If you can feel your states of mind changing by

themselves, you can remain indifferent, you can remain away, miles away, as if the mind

is going somewhere else. The sun is rising, setting; the depression is coming, the

happiness is coming, going: but you are not in it. It goes and comes by itself; the states

come and move.”